


Grinding the Millstone

by aleria



Category: The Outer Worlds (Video Game)
Genre: Drinking, Gun Violence, M/M, Mention of Masterbation, POV First Person, Pining, so much pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-29 02:16:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21402520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aleria/pseuds/aleria
Summary: The Problem: FelixIn this report you will find described the potential solutions to The Problem and the experimentation process that was followed to gain a ultimate solution that garnered the most success in the field.Please note that no crew members were seriously harmed in this study*.*Except Felix.
Relationships: Male Captain/Felix Millstone, The Captain/Felix Millstone
Comments: 36
Kudos: 148





	1. The Problem

**Author's Note:**

> Please forgive me for this garbage idolization of my dumb dumb puppy boy
> 
> Chapters will come swiftly. I finish fics within the month. 
> 
> Feel free to spew words directly or indirectly at me. I love to chat. <3

“ADA, take a note: We need to do something about Felix.”

_Might I inquire at the nature of your directive, Captain?_

“No, you may not. Just take note. Felix is a problem.”

_Noted, Captain Hawthorn. Shall I connect communication to Felix Millstone?_

“No, ADA. This is a personal note. You can go back to scanning the hills.”

I hear the sound of ADA switching off, which I suspect is a sound she fabricates to convince the crew she isn’t eavesdropping. I don’t mind-- I have grown to trust her more than I ought to. I know she watches me sleep, but she has yet to gas my room, so that counts for something. Let her listen. It might turn out I need a cricket in my ear.

I am putting the blame on Felix, but really the problem is me. It’s probably because I’ve been in cryogenic sleep for too long-- 70 years is a long time to be floating alone in space. Well, not alone because there are hundreds of other poor sods in the same icy isolation as me. That’s 70 years of not being touched by another person. I may not remember all those years but I think my body does because it is starving like a canid in the desert. 

And then along comes this kid-- this lost soul from the bowels of the Groundbreaker with the personality of a stray dog. He’s some kind of literary stereotype if I had ever read the classics; the waif-like orphan, pure of heart and puppy of eye. Why is it the ones with the hardest lives end up being the most loving? The most trusting?

I look at the rest of my crew and it’s no wonder he stands out. The others respect me and follow me with very little question, but they are guarded with their emotions as anyone in this godforsaken system should be. They’ve all had shitty lives and their head’s are fucked up as a result. I would never expect them to show affection, and I don’t want it, really. I want a crew. I want people who will watch my back. I don’t need hugs.

And yet, I _do_. Besides being touch-starved I am from a time when the human spirit was still alive. Back home, people actually smiled. My buddies in the squad would pat me on the back. My grandmother would cover me with kisses. My dog slept on my bed every night.

Halycon is sad, tired and distant. Everyone walks around with empty eyes and empty hearts. Those with any hope are worked slowly and methodically until every ounce is squeezed onto the cold hard rock. Even those with any power live greedy, meaningless lives, devoid of love. The dogs are pink and spit acid, so, that’s also a problem.

Felix isn’t a _problem_ so much as he is the odd one out. He stands out against the grey background like a flower in the cracks of the wall. His naive optimism and unyielding trust is almost blinding. It doesn’t matter what situation we’re in-- cannibals? No problem! Giant primals? Let’s kick them in the chest! Overbearing corporations? Let’s fight together like we’re in some kind of etherwave serial!

“OK, start over,” says Nyoka, who isn’t being helpful at all when we get a drink together in Stellar Bay. She’s pinching the bridge of her nose, which could be because of her hangover and not her general displeasure at the convolution of my story. “Your friend is annoyed because… someone is being too nice to him?”

“Not, _annoyed_,” I try to explain. “_Inconvenienced_. Due to how fucking weird it is to meet someone who’s so…” I screw up my face trying to summarize Felix in one word without tipping off Nyoka that he’s the one I am talking about.

“Affectionate?” she offers, looking tired. I don’t know why she’s like this-- she was the one who offered to catch up in a bar. This is me catching up.

“Sure,” I say, because the words ‘adorable’ and ‘cute’ didn’t seem to help my case. I mean, my friend’s case. 

Nyoka takes a long drink of her brew and when she puts it down she takes in a breath and releases it like a sigh. This is why I like her: she puts my life in perspective. Reminds me that I am not, in fact, living in a serial. I am being ridiculous, and I know from the look she gives me. 

“Sounds like your friend is the one with the problem,” she says, echoing my own fears. Of course this is my own problem. I knew that from the start, and maybe I just wanted her to confirm it for me. “But I don’t see that it needs to be a problem.” She takes another drink with her eyebrows up, watching me out of the corner of her eye. She has a knowing look that makes me a little nervous.

“Oh, it’s problematic.” I haven’t touched my own drink at all. I have been having trouble with the alcohol in Halycon; whatever they use to feed the yeast disagrees with me. And by ‘disagrees’, I mean ‘makes me drunker than a new recruit on induction night’. 

“Why?” Nyoka pushes. She gestures to the bartender to pass her another bottle. He looks a little uncomfortable when she reaches for it-- he had to remove her forcefully not three nights ago and he’s probably afraid she remembers him. Apparently she doesn’t, because she flashes him a grin. When she turns back to me, her grin turns into a judgemental line. “Forbidden fruit?”

“You could say that.” The phrase she uses makes my stomach do a little twirl so I take a large swig of my brew. It takes like a barn. “This person-- they’re like a little brother to my friend. Looks up to him and trusts him to make good decisions.” I grimace. The fact that anyone trusts me to be responsible still doesn’t sit well with me. The captain’s chair is still uncomfortable.

“Ooo,” Nyoka says like a wince. “How little are we talking?’

“Well-- not physically little. Just, younger? And naive.” So very naive. This is the one that holds me back the most. How could anyone take advantage to someone who always says ‘yes, boss’?

“And this person-- are they an adult?”

“Well, yeah,” I answer with hesitation. Does it count if we call him ‘kid’ all the time?

“And beyond being naive they have a sound mind?”

“Wh-- yeah. I guess.”

Nyoka puts down her cup and folds her arms on the table. There’s something unsettling about the sight of her without a drink in her hands and I am a little afraid.

“So your friend is afraid of taking advantage of a clear-headed, consenting adult because they are a little younger?”

I cut to the chase. “They work for him, too.”

She sits back and scoops up her drink. “Oh, well then forget about it. Workplace is no place for drama, I say. Especially if they are in the same line of work as you.” She gives me a look that suddenly makes me worried that she knows my secret. Instead of replying I hide behind my drink again. I can feel the alcohol starting to work.

“Yeah, I told him the same,” I say with as much courage as I can muster. “Stay away from your crew, I said. The fallout would be messy and you don’t want everyone else getting involved.” The way I say it almost convinces me that we really as talking about someone else.

“Good, problem solved. Now, I need to talk to you about Felix.”

I nearly choke on my next sip of brew. “Ah, what now?”

“He’s complaining that the ship is too hot. I caught him wandering around without a shirt yesterday.”

The problem is definitely _not _solved.


	2. Solution A

Nothing beats a headache like filling something with bullets. Back when I was with my squad, we’d hit the training yard to let off some steam. Usually it was after Commander Conrad left, being the least liked of all of our superior officers. He’d leave at least one of us fuming in his wake, and that was the signal for us all to head for the firing range and see who could put the most bullets between his eyes.

The job I agree to is simple-- probably simpler than necessary. But it does involve shooting things, so I agree to it even after the old lady tells me how few bits we’re going to get in return. I tell myself we’re doing it out of charity, after all, the old lady lives alone on the outskirts of Stellar Bay and has no one else to help her get the canids off her meager plot of farmland. 

But really, I just want to shoot rabid canids.

I had a dog back home. A real dog. She was a big, dumb english mastiff and she died the day before I wrote my colonizer exam. I loved her and would never have left home if she was still alive. 

These things are not dogs, whatever people might say. These things are monsters. I watched one take an arm clean off of a corporate guard before we were able to put it down. He died that night on the surgery table. 

So it is with a clear conscious that I set out to kill them. My mind, on the other hand, is far from clear. 

Worst part is Felix wants to come along. 

“Come on, Boss,” he asks me in that tone that suggests he has been practising this. “I want to try that new tossball stick you picked up--”

“You aren’t going to melee them to death, Felix,” I say with some exasperation. Does he already forget the acid burn he got the last time he got too close to a canid? “We’re shooting.”

He puts up his hands. “Fine, no problem! I love shooting! Nyoka showed me this one spot you can aim for that takes out their back legs.”

I sigh because I really don’t have any reason _not_ to take Felix, besides the fact that I already asked for Nyoka and Max to back me up. Four would be a crowd, and Max would complain, but the job would be over faster with another gun.

He’s watching me with big eyes and a small, hopeful smile. He probably knows he’s already convinced me. He always convinces me. I need to work on saying ‘no’ to him from time to time.

“Alright, but make sure Max and Nyoka don’t mind. And don’t use my name to convince them-- you are asking them on your own behalf.”

“Oh, sure, yeah!” Felix says with the brightest of grins. “No problem! Vic owes me anyway after that last pro game. Did you see it? The Tigers are throwing _down_ this season. Not that I am a fan but I can’t help but love the underdog, right?”

“Felix,” I interrupt. “Go.”

“Right, sorry,” he says, no less eager for having been reprimanded. I wonder if maybe he likes being told what to do. It makes me feel a little lightheaded, so when he takes off I sit down and my head in my hands. I’m still tired for my night drinking with Nyoka. I don’t remember how I got back to the ship. After a full day of rest I am still not able to process Felix’s blinding personality without my head spinning. 

Worst part is I caught him without his shirt yesterday, just like Nyoka described. He was helping Pavarti fix the engine and the both of them were hot and sweaty by the end of it. I couldn’t yell at him because I was too busy losing my shit.

I am not an unattractive man myself. I keep in shape despite the poor nutrition offered by Halcyon and despite what ADA might tell others I do shower every day. But I am starting to see the wear and tear-- the layer of fat around my middle, the burns on my upper arm, the countless scars on my chest, the sunburn on my nose and cheeks, and the crack on my cheek from the last time I fought with my squad back on Earth. I am 32 years old, but my body already tells a long story of battle and use.

In comparison, Felix is as untouched as a newborn. He has one scar on his back, a white line from near the base of his spine up to his left rib cage. Otherwise he is unbroken, like fresh snow. His muscles are tight around his arms and torso, not a hint of fat to be seen and very little body hair save for a line that starts at his belly button and disappears under the line of his pants. I’m almost jealous of how perfect he looks, but according to his file, he is only 22 years old-- plenty of time to be ruined. 

Oh, how I want to ruin him.

This is what I am trying _not_ to think as we leave the ship and head through Stellar Bay. Felix is walking ahead of Nyoka and I and I wish he wouldn’t. I want to look at something else but this city is excruciatingly underwhelming. When I look at Nyoka she smirks at me and I don’t really want to try to unravel what _that_ means. 

So I watch Felix walking with a bounce in his step and I remind myself that this isn’t his fault, it’s mine.

Killing canids is not helping. Felix can’t kill things without talking about it the entire time. It pisses off most of the rest of the crew but I am in too deep to find it anything other than endearing. He has added to his list of catch phrases and they are terrible.

“How do you like them candies?” he yells at a canid, who can’t understand him and so dies without knowing how idiotic his killer sounds.

“Another one for the wall, eh, Captain?”

“Nyoka’s on FIRE.”

“Don’t mess with the best!”

I’m grinning the whole time we clear the plot, which is counter to what I am trying to do here. I am trying to let off some steam, not get myself worked up. Every time Felix catches my eye we both almost laugh and I can feel my head spinning again. Even Nyoka seems to be in on the joke and I see her stifling a grin every time Felix emits one of his idiotic battle cries. 

Is it bad that I am having fun killing a living thing?

We end up in the bar afterwards, which I should have predicted when I brought Nyoka along. Felix does nothing to dissuade her. As the captain I should be the voice of reason, but even the most hard-ass captain would allow his crew a drink after a job, right?

I hate that this is the only bar in town, because the patrons are starting to look familiar and the bartender is growing more uneasy each time Nyoka shows up on his threshold. It’s only a matter of time before one of does something stupid and the whole town finds out. Or, we kill someone. 

We’re doing top shelf tonight, which is to say the stuff that tastes like battery acid. I have a strong stomach and Nyoka puts away a shot without so much as a grimace but it is Felix I am impressed with.

“Aren’t you a little young for that?” Nyoka says, voicing my concern when Felix downs another shot. He looks surprisingly clear-eyed for it.

“I’ll have you know I am versed in the finest moonshine that the Back Bays could offer,” he says with a self-important smirk. “Which makes this stuff taste like purpleberry juice.”

“Yeah, but it will still knock out a cystipig. Take it easy, kid.”

He does not take it easy. An hour later and I decide it is time to dump the guy in his bunk. He spends the last half hour fighting with a vending machine while I try to keep Nyoka from getting into a brawl with a local that insulted her gun. When I finally get to him his bits are scattered all over the floor and he’s on his knees trying to drunkenly collect them.

“Come on, Felix,” I say, pulling him to his feet. He mumbles something as I place him on a chair and turn back to the bits. I ought to keep the cash as a toll but I remind myself that the whole point of the exercise is _not_ taking advantage of him.

We leave Nyoka in the bar because its where she spends most of her nights anyway and I trust her to take care of herself. Felix is weaving and I have to link arms with him to get him walking in a straight line.

“Thanks, boss,” he slurs, his head bobbing with each step. It isn’t far from the landing pad but I want to get there as soon as possible. The smell of the cannery is turning my stomach and I can’t imagine it’s doing much good for Felix either.

He is sick on the lift to the pad, but luckily most of it goes over the edge and onto the street below. I pat him on the back as he finishes up and he grasps my other arm to steady himself. He’s surprisingly strong but I don’t pull away. 

We spend a few more minutes on the handrail of the lift, and after a moment I wonder if he’s trying to pass out right here. Then he turns and looks at me with the most pathetically morose face I have seen on him yet and I want to pat him and tell him he’s a good boy so he’ll wag his tail again but instead I just smile weakly. “All done?” I ask.

He nods and blinks slowly. When he tries to walk he stumbles into me and I all but carry him back to the ship. The gangway is the worse part, as we both almost going over the side, but eventually we board the ship. 

_Shall I prepare the med table, Captain?_ asks ADA. _Felix appears to be in a state of severe intoxication. _

“It’s fine, ADA,” I reply. “He just needs to sleep it off. I think he puked most of it up anyway.”

_If he does so in the ship, I will make sure he does not wake up._

“Very funny.”

_I thought so._

Pavarti and Max’s doors are closed as we slouch past them, and all is quiet as I finally deposit Felix onto his messy bunk. His eyes are already closed and I wonder if he will remember anything about the journey home.

“Boss,” he murmurs and I realize he is still awake. His eyes open a fraction and grins up at me from his awkward position on the bunk. He’s still holding my arm in an almost painful grasp. “Jorran.”

My breath catches. No one ever calls me by my real name, save for Phineos and that’s only when things are getting really serious. Those who know me call me ‘Captain’ and those who don’t call me ‘Alex Hawthorne’. Jorran is a man from Earth who no one knows. 

Felix is asleep before I can process it any further. His grip relaxes and I leave him there, my problem still not in any way solved.


	3. Solution B

I've decided the problem is two fold: the first being mental and the second being physical. 

First to extrapolate on the former. I can't stop thinking about Felix. I worry about him a lot, and maybe that it's a natural part of being a responsible captain. I want my crew to be OK, and when they aren't, I turn into a fussy mother. 

However, with Felix it goes beyond this. I think about how I can make him smile. I think about if he's happy. I wonder what his childhood was like. I wonder about his future. 

As far as I can tell, there is no cure for my mental state, save for time. Maybe someday I'll think about someone else in that way. Maybe I'll find a healthy infatuation to lean into. 

Now, the second problem is a little more clinical. A little more tangible. I am desperate for human companionship-- that is without question. At risk of sounding crude, I will elaborate: I want to fuck. I want to cuddle. I want to spend a night pressed against another body. It just so happens the body I fantasize about most is also the one causing my alarming mental state. 

So far as I can tell, a physical need is much easier to satisfy. And, perhaps, if I am able to cure my physical state, then my mental state will be impacted positively. So I focus on my physical problem for now. 

The solution seems obvious: I tell ADA to take the Unreliable to Fallbrook. She inquires why, and all I tell her is that I have an appointment with an individual. 

What I don't tell her is that I have heard a rumor that the cleanest brothel in all of Halcyon is owned by a woman named Shelda on the edge of town. Now, you may expect that any establishment outside of Byzantium would be crawling with space mites and astro STIs, but I’ve had it on good account that Shelda runs a tight ship and charges a pretty enough penny to attract even the dandies from the city. I happen to have a pretty penny to spend, and a serious need for some physical attention.

When I tell the crew that I have business in town, none of them seem to care much. However, I get a significant look from Max when I brush him off. He corners me in the stairwell outside my room and I try to look nonplussed by his appearance.

“You’re going to Shelda’s, aren’t you?” His tone is not accusatory, but I find myself looking for a lie that I can cover up with. But before I can put the lie into words, he continues. “A new jacket. Your best slacks. Either you’re meeting with the Chairman or you’re wondering how nice your coat would look on someone’s floor.”

He’s annoyingly perceptive, this vicar. My whole crew is. Well, except Felix. “What’s it to you?” I say, trying not to sound sullen. I fidget with my shirt-- I can’t decide if I want to tuck it in or not. The jacket is almost real leather and I haven’t worn it since I swiped it out of some board member’s closet. It was too cool for a beaurocrat anyway.

“I’m coming with you,” Max states matter-of-factly. I want to laugh, but he’s being too serious.

“Doesn’t that-- uh, you know-- contradict your beliefs?” I know shit all about Scientism or Philosophism beyond what he has told me. Actually, I’m not even sure which philosophy the vicar follows anymore.

Max is smirking in that way that makes you feel less intelligent than him. “I’m a vicar, not a priest,” he says, not clarifying the issue for me at all. “Partaking in earthly delights is not contrary to my beliefs. In fact, many encourage the release of certain tensions to improve the productivity of the labourer. I assume that is why you plan to go there yourself.”

He’s so close to the truth that I find myself unable to argue with him. “I’ve heard it’s the cleanest in the system.”

Max nods. “I can speak to that. Shelda has high standards, even for her clients, but don’t worry: I think you’ll pass muster, even with the jacket.”

I can’t help looking down at myself. “What do you mean, ‘even with the jacket’?” But the vicar has already started to walk away.

“See you in ten minutes, Captain.”

We manage to get away with only a small hiccup: Felix sees us leaving together and wants to know why he can’t tag along. It breaks my heart to lie to him: we’re meeting with an acquaintance of Max. This only partially placates the kid, whose frown could move mountains. But he doesn’t protest verbally so I am able to slink away with only a small amount of guilt. 

Shelda’s is owned by Annapolis Leisure Co., a corporation I had thought only specialized in corporate ‘retreats’ and bullet hotels. To see its name glowing neon over the door to an establishment that might _actually_ provide pleasure is surprising and has me apprehensive before entering the auto doors. 

The interior is the same basic layout as every other building-in-a-box that made up the colony, but dressed up in fabrics and colours I didn’t think existed so far from Earth. Someone’s hung the lamps from the ceiling and the air smells like cherry smoke. We are met almost immediately by a man standing just beyond the threshold who demands our weapons. I give him my rifle and my shottie but my pistol hides on my back under my new jacket. The next person who meets us doesn’t look any less intimidating. It’s an old woman with short cropped hair, thick glasses and a fat cigar clamped between her thin lips. She’s almost as tall as I am with a back as straight as a rod.

“Vicar Max,” she says in a voice that suggests she’s been smoking cigars her whole life. “It’s been a while.”

“Shelda Thorne. You look well.” Max has always been the polite one.

The woman barks a laugh and holds her cigar between two blackened fingers. “Don’t try to butter me up, vicar-- I’m not on the menu. All I can offer you is the fine, soothing tastes of paradise offered by Annapolis Leisure Company.”

“You still spewing that garbage?” Max says, dropping some of the formality.

“No garbage here, old man. Only the quality offered by the company. Don’t try to change me, Max-- I will be singing the Annapolis jingle on my deathbed.” She then looks at me, her eyes level with mine. “Now here’s something. You lookin’ to taste paradise, my young friend?”

“I guess I am,” I say, trying to not sound as hesitant as I feel. I am also trying not to look beyond her to the common room where I can see several people lounging on standard-issue chairs disguised as couches. 

“My girls will be happy,” she says with a grin that is wider than I thought possible on her narrow face. She steps back and gives me a very obvious once over. “Yes, very happy.”

She then shows us into the room beyond and I am forced to take it all in-- the colours, the beautiful people, and the customers, made obvious by their lack of general attractiveness. The feeling in the air is light and casual, with music coming out of an old pianola in the corner. Everyone is holding a drink. I can’t wait for someone to hand one to me.

It doesn’t take long for someone who must be ‘on the menu’ to find me. She’s young with a spray of freckles over her nose and a smile that improves an otherwise simple face. Her dress is cut extremely low. “Well, would you look at that?”

She has the same expression on her face that Shelda did. This girl’s once over is slightly more subtle, but I see it all the same. “We don’t get a lot of lookers in this place!”

A few of the other patrons nearby turn to look at us, frowning. I ignore them and take the purple drink she has in her hand. “Thanks,” I say, swallowing my nerves along with the drink. “I think.” I try to scan the room for Max, but he has disappeared.

She hasn’t stopped smiling. It’s probably in her contract. “Well we’ll have no problem offering you the finest taste of paradise that Annapolis Leisure has to offer! Have you heard of our family referral program?”

“Ah-- not interested.”

“Well, would you like to see our line of product? Unless you’d like to stick with what you see. I have a promotion runnin’ right now, on account of my time of the month.” She batts her eyes and I try not to wince. 

“Uh, right,” I say after finishing my glass. “Let me take a look.” Most of the other workers seem occupied, save for a few that lean on a bar at the back of the room. They are all watching me, like vultures. I shiver. “How about him?”

The young man I am pointing at straightens and makes a face at his two companions before sweeping around the bar to approach me. He is dark, with bouncing curls and a grin that is more of a smirk. He’s extremely pretty and I can feel myself growing more nervous. 

It doesn’t take long for the guy, Hakkim, to settle me on one of the ‘couches’ with a drink. He leans in close as he drills me for small talk. He wants to know how I got my muscles, where I work, if I have been to space, and a string of other questions that I try to answer as vaguely as possible. Somehow he manages to smooth over all of my poor verbal skills with his own light, laughing way of talking and I find myself calming down. That’s corporate training, for you. They know how to sell product to a customer, even one as awkward as I am. 

And he’s pretty damn good at closing the gap, too. It takes somewhere between 5 and 15 minutes for him to start stroking my leg like it’s nothing at all, and somehow he finds excuses for his nose to brush my ear or his fingers to find my face.

I know he’s going to kiss me next, and I try to prepare myself for it. After that, it’s straight to the bedroom and onto business. This is what I came for, after all. 

A small commotion has me looking up from my spot. Someone has just entered the room and is talking to Shelda in a slightly panicked voice.

“Fuck.”

Felix sees me before I can react beyond my single curse. His eyes are wide and his mouth is open. I am on my feet in the next heart beat and when I reach Felix I steer him firmly backwards out of the front door. 

“Captain, wh--”

“Felix, go back to the ship,” I say firmly, my hand still heavy on his shoulder.

“What are you doing here?”

“I could ask the same!” I am playing that game where I am trying to sound firm without actually raising my voice and alerting everyone nearby of what I am saying. “Didn’t I tell you to stay on the ship?”

“You didn’t ask Vic to stay!” Felix counters, shrugging off my hand and stepping away. His brow is furrowed but his eyes are hurt. I feel a tug at my heart. “What was so private that I couldn’t come along? And I see you come to a... what. A--a brothel?” He makes a gesture at the building behind us. I wonder how many of the workers are eavesdropping.

“Yes,” I admit, feeling defeated. “A brothel.”

“Why here? Is it a mission?”

Oh, Felix. You poor, naive lad. I sigh heavily. “What do you _think_ I’m here for, Felix?”

Felix’s face goes from suspicious to confused in about 30 seconds before the realization dawns on him. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Then that guy in there…”

“Yeah.”

“Ah.”

We let the moment hang too long to be anything but awkward. Felix is suddenly very interested in a sign just to my left, and he stares at it as a flush seems to be crawling up his neck and ears. “I’m… going to go back to the ship now.”

“Good idea.”

“OK. Good night. I mean-- good luck.” He’s stumbling on his words. It’s adorable and I would smile if the situation wasn’t so uncomfortable. He waves for good measure before backing up a few steps and nearly tripping on a crate. He apologizes and turns to slink away. I watch him go, fighting every impulse to catch up with him. 

I wait 5 minutes before I head back to the ship, too. I sleep alone that night, and the problem still isn’t solved.


	4. Solution C

I try masterbation, entirely in the name of science.

It doesn’t work. The problem persists.


	5. Solution D

I have been sleeping poorly. The bite-sized beds on these ships are bad enough without also going through emotional and physical turmoil. I know, I sound dramatic, but it’s actually starting to hurt.

I emerge out of the Captain’s quarters late the next cycle and find almost everyone in the common area. I know right away they have been talking about me because the moment I walk in all eyes are on me. It feels like an intervention, only Nyoka has the biggest shit-eating grin on her face and Ellie’s is contending for second place. Max is the only one who greets me like nothing is wrong.

“Caffeine, Captain?” he asks nonchalantly. 

“Up late?” asks Nyoka and now I know what they were talking about. Ellie breathes out her nose in a way that suggests she’s trying not to laugh. 

I look at Felix, and wonder how much he told them. “Felix?” I question, and he finally looks up at me. His eyebrows shoot up.

“It wasn’t me!”

“Actually, the vicar's been rather upfront,” supplies Parvati, who looks a little pink in the cheeks. “I knew there were places like that in the system b-but I never really thought about them much.”

Max continues to look unaffected. “There’s no shame in visiting a pleasure house,” he maintains. It still strikes me strange to hear him say it. “Although I have to disappoint you all by informing you that the Captain left early. Shelda was none too pleased.”

There’s a visible shift in the room where half look a little disappointed. Nyoka goes back to her hot drink. Ellie stands up from the table, as if ready to leave. 

“So you didn’t… you know,” asks Felix from his seat near the corner of the room. He has his arms crossed over his chest and is doing his best impression of Max. He’s failing. 

“What, Felix?” asks Nyoka, a grin back on her face. “Kiss? Hold hands?”

“Do you even know what they do in those places, kid?” chimes in Ellie. Belittling Felix has to be one of Ellie’s favourite pastimes.

You can tell Felix is flushed even in the ship’s poor lighting. “Thanks, Doc-- I know what sex is!”

“Besides what you learned from serials?” Nyoka and Ellie are ganging up on the poor kid now, and I feel the need to intervene. 

“Layoff the kid,” I say as I sit in my usual place at the head of the table. The drink Max handed me is bad, but at least it’s hot. “Not all of us are as experienced as you two.”

“If you meant that as an insult, Captain, you need to try a little harder,” says Nyoka, leaning back in her chair. I put up a hand as if to say ‘no, no insult’ and she laughs. Meanwhile, Felix is still trying to defend himself.

“I have experience! I have plenty of experience!”

“Well lay it all out for us, kid, and we’ll let you know if it counts or not,” says Ellie with a baiting tone. 

“Oh, please don’t,” says Parvati, who I note is still in the room despite her pink cheeks. She can leave at any time, but stands rooted to her spot.

“I-I don’t kiss and tell,” Felix says defensively. I can’t tell if he’s lying or not. He probably knows as well as I do that no matter what details he gives these two, they are going to tear him to shreds. But I find myself listening intently anyway, guiltily curious about his sex life. I can feel my own flush at the back of my neck and hope no one can notice. 

_Captain, we are arriving at the Groundbreaker loading bay. Please inform Nyoka that she may disembark at any time._

“I’m right here, ADA,” Nyoka says with some exasperation.

_Captain, it appears SAM requires a new front end nozzle. Perhaps you can send Nyoka to purchase one._

“That bitch,” grumbles Nyoka as she stands up. “She’s pissed that I spilled brew in the engine room the other night.” She sighs and makes her way to her bunk. The rest follow, also interested in disembarking for their own reasons. 

I find Ellie in her room a few minutes later. She’s one of the only crew who had no interest in spending time on the Groundbreaker. Maybe she’s had her fill. Or maybe she knows I’m looking to talk to her.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say Max was lying,” she starts, not getting up from her desk. She’s reading a book, but puts it aside to look critically up at me. “You look like you were up all night.”

“Thanks,” I say somewhat sarcastically, but maybe I really am thankful that she cares enough to notice. She doesn’t have another chair, so I sit on her unmade bunk. It is not more comfortable than mine.

“I hope you know I charge by the minute,” she says, and it isn’t clear if she’s serious or not.

“You get paid when I do, Ellie,” I say, but there’s not much energy in it. I’m starting to feel a headache building behind my nose. I let out a long breath that probably speaks volumes.

“OK, what’s the problem?” Her tone has changed subtly. She sounds like a doctor now-- less friendly, more business. That’s good, because I don’t want her to make fun of me, if that’s even possible.

“I’m not sleeping.”

“Well that part is obvious. Nightmares?”

“Not exactly. No-- not at all.” This should be easy to explain, but I suddenly find myself as bashful as a new recruit. I know how Felix feels now. Talking about sex is not always easy. “Do you, uh--” I hesitate because I’m not sure how to explain my needs. “Do you know of something. A drug, maybe? Something that… lowers your sex drive?”

“Excuse me?” There goes the formal speech. I can tell she’s fighting to hide a smile. 

I make a noise to portray my frustration. “Sex drive, Ellie. I want to think about sex less.”

She is really smiling now. “Ah, I see. This explains the sudden and desperate need for you to visit Shelda’s.”

I shift where I seat. “I don’t need the judgement, Doc. I need a straight answer.”

She sighs, but doesn’t stop smiling. “Well, if you were on Earth, I’d say they have a drug for everything. But out here on the edge-- I could prescribe you alcohol, if you’d like.”

“Tried that already.”

“Well then, I think you had the answer in the first place-- visit a brothel. Get laid. Masterbate.” At least she sounds serious, even if she won’t drop that goddamn smile. 

I utter a soft groan and pinch the bridge of my nose. “I am not cut out for this.”

“What’s really the matter, Cap? You going through puberty a few decades late?”

“I don’t think you need to know the details.”

“Oh, I definitely do. You got a crush or something?”

I hesitate in answering, and I know that is a mistake. Her face lights up and she leans forward, a hand on either knee. “Oh?” she says in the most annoying tone a person could use. “Oh…?”

“Leave it, Ellie. Please.”

“OK, fine,” she says, hands up. “I won’t ask who it is. Let’s just say it’s someone we’ve never met. Someone who you, for whatever reason, don’t want to knock boots with. Or can’t. You aren’t sleeping because you are lusting after them something fierce. Is this fair to say?”

I nod meekly.

“Since doing the obvious isn’t an option,” she says, giving me a condescending look. “Then you’re just going to have to avoid them if possible. At least until you get over it.” She crosses her arms over her chest and I get the feeling she’s unimpressed with me in general.

“Avoid them,” I repeat.

“Or fuck them.”

I swallow. Then, slowly I take a breath and nod. “Thanks, Doc.”

“My door’s always open,” she says with a smile. “Unless it’s closed. Then I don’t want you to come at me with your pretend problems.”

I slink out of her room, my problem as bad as ever.


	6. Solution E

How do you avoid someone who works on the same tiny ship that you do? There’s one common area, one loading bay, one _bathroom_ for Law’s sake. At least my room offers some amount of refuge, but I am running out of excuses to hide there. I ‘sleep in’ late, even if I am not sleeping and take my meals at irregular hours. 

And yet, Felix seems to always find me. He wants me to show him how to disassemble a corporate-grade rifle. He wants to borrow my soap. He wants to get my opinion on which tossball team to bet on. Everytime I think I’m safe his bright face comes bounding up the steel stairs, ready to sit and rub elbows with me-- sometimes literally. 

This was one of the reasons I fell for him in the first place, one of the _first_ problems: his sense of personal space is next to nothing. He doesn’t mind putting his hand on your arm while talking or giving you a mock punch to emphasise a point. He doesn’t sit on the opposite end of the table from me, he sits _right_ next to me. I can feel his warmth. I can _smell_ him, and it isn’t a bad smell. 

In the very least I can shed him when I go planet side. I pick up as many jobs as possible the next few days and I fill my roster with the other crew, using every excuse in the book. It takes all of my mental faculties to work this out: I need Parvati to do some engineering for me, I need Max because he knows a guy, I need Nyoka’s gun, I need Ellie in case there’s an emergency… And Felix, the trusting guy he is, believes me. I have never felt so guilty in my life.

I have never felt so lonely in my life. This shit is hard, and I only have myself to blame. I can only distract myself so much, and at night I lie awake feeling sorry for myself. It’s pathetic, really. I try to tell myself to suck it up. I tell myself it will be over. Eventually.

On the third day of this routine I find out Felix was not as gullible as I thought. Max, Parvati and I are headed to parlay with some rebels near the town formerly known as Edgewater. It sounds like they are a sect of former cannery labourers, determined to get the old plant back in working order… by going to war with the Botanical Lab. Since it was my mess in the first place, I figure it’s my job to go make peace if there is any to be made. 

Felix is the only person who doesn’t knock on my door before entering. Because of this I have gotten into the habit of not locking. It still makes me jump whenever he strolls in but at least I am fully clothed this time. I have my guns lined up on my desk, the way I like to do before preparing for what might turn into a firefight.

He’s already frowning, and I feel my stomach drop. If only he knew how much his emotions effect me. I want to reach out to him and smooth the emotions away. Instead I wait for him to speak.

“You’re going to Edgewater,” he states. I can already tell where this is going-- he doesn’t want to be left out just like in Fallbrook. I steel myself for having to be firm with him. 

“Yeah, it isn’t serious.”

His eyes focus on the table behind me. “That’s quite the arsenal for ‘not serious’.”

“I like to be prepared,” I deflect. Turning away from him takes a huge effort of will, but I don’t want him to see my face. It’s hard to stand my ground against those eyes.

I hear him moving as he circles around to stand at the end of the table. Maybe he knows the power of his puppy eyes after all. I don’t look up. I can’t.

“Boss, you know I am more useful in a fight,” he says, and he is completely right. “Whatever you need Parvati for, Max can help you with as well. More than like, this will come down to bullets. You need me there.”

“Don’t underestimate Parvati,” I say. “Her aim’s gotten pretty good.”

Felix doesn’t say anything right away. When he finally speaks there's a catch in his voice. He clears it away before continuing. "Are you benching me?" 

I look up. I can't help but look up to see what face he's making. His eyebrows are upturned and his lips parted. I can't focus on his eyes so I look away quickly. 

"Of course not."

"Then why are you… why haven't I been able to help out lately? I thought we were a good team."

"We were. I mean, we _are_." 

“Is it because I threw up?” He groans in a small way. “I knew it-- I should have listened to you. That was unprofessional. I swear-- I’ll never--”

“Felix, it’s fine,” I interrupt. “It happens to the best of us.” I take a steadying sigh while I run a hand through my hair which is getting too long at the top. I delaying looking up at him again. If I want to leave him behind, I'm going to have to lie to him. But I can't-- not when he's looking at me like that. 

There's a long pause where we look at each other. I know my resolve is going to break, but I try to delay it. At least to say I tried. 

"Fine."

It's worth the smile that blossoms on his face. It's like a sunrise. The whole room lights up and I can feel my problem reaching a peak. 

“I promise I won’t disappoint you, Boss!” Felix beams. “Let me just get my stuff. It’ll be great!” He gives me a hearty pat on the back before dashing from the room, leaving me to marvel at my lack of backbone.

Only Felix can make a mission feel like a field trip. Max looks surly as we make our way down the worn path to Edgewater, but I don’t think he dislikes Felix as much as he claims to. I know they listen to tossball games together. Maybe some more time together on the field would be good for them. Yes, Captain, keep convincing yourself that bringing Felix is a good idea.

And yet, maybe it is. Edgewater has armed guards outside the East gate. There are two on the top of the wall, too. There’s a sniper that thinks he’s being sneaky on my 3 o clock. I wonder what other fortifications they have.

The guards level their weapons at us as we approach. I put up a hand and they yell a question to us. They are wearing masks so I can’t make it out.

“I can’t understand you,” I say clearly and loudly. “I am coming to parlay with your leader. Please inform them that Captain Hawthorn is here to see them.” 

A guard from the wall disappears but the others don’t move. We wait for a moment. Felix fidgets. 

“Approach with your weapons in their holsters!” a guard says when he reappears on the wall. We oblige them, since all three of us are probably the quickest draws in the crew anyway. There are a lot of them and only 3 of us, but we’ve beat these odds before. 

The town has taken a turn since I rerouted power to the Botanical Labs. The neon lights are out and there’s a fire in every barrel. Quite a few more armed civilians eye us as we walk with our escort through the gate and to a building to the west. I get the impression they are glaring at me, but none of them make any moves. I note there are no young or old people-- only labourers. The rest must have taken off for the Labs.

They march us to a nondescript building where two guards with masks take over. I hesitate before entering, because it feels wrong. “Who is the leader here?” I ask one of the guards.

“Mr. Davis,” he answers, his voice muffled by the mask. Are they trying to look like marauders? “He’ll speak with you soon.”

Well, at least they haven’t taken our weapons. If it _is_ a trap, at least we can shoot out way out. But if there’s a way to settle this peacefully, I think I owe it to the poor assholes to try. I sigh. “Alright then. Lead the way.” I’m not looking forward to killing them all.

The room inside is almost entirely unfurnished. There’s one more person inside sitting on the only chair. “Close the door, please,” he says. Despite also wearing a full face mask, he is not wearing any tactical gear-- only a waistcoat and slacks.

“I assume you are Mr. Davis,” I say, stepping forward to indicate that I am the one he should be talking to. 

He doesn’t reply, and instead rests his hand on a tall canister at his side. Then he turns a valve and I stand there like an idiot while Max suddenly shouts. There’s a struggle as his gun goes off and a body hits the floor. I turn, but my head spins and I find myself on my knees. The world is turning and I can’t see clearly. Two more gunshots explode nearby and a crash. Then everything goes black.


	7. Results Unprecedented - Further Experimentation Required

I wake up with the worst hangover I have ever had, only it feels like I am not really waking up at all. It’s like being underwater-- everything is slow and the sounds are muted. I try to shake my head but I can’t clear it away. I listen instead: muffled voices outside, a low hum of something mechanical to my right, and the steady breath of someone behind me.

I am slowly starting to make sense of the world. I am on the ground, my hands tied behind my back. The ground is cold cement, different than the building I blacked out in. There’s a draft and I shiver before realizing there are other problems with my body: a dull pain in my left temple, the stinging pain of rope tied too tight around my wrists and ankles. 

I open my eyes and watch the world swim in front of them, but I don’t shut them again until I get a vague sense of where I am. I feel slightly drunk now but if I squint I can narrow my vision down to just one of everything: one large, open room filled with machinery and metal stairs leading to a gangway. It’s dark with only a battery lantern to my left. A man with a mask sits at a table at the far end of the room, his head lulling as if falling asleep. We are in the cannery plant in Edgewater.

My hands are jostled and I realize with a start that I am not tied to a post, but to a person. I can feel the warmth of someone’s hands lashed firmly to mine. If I lean back, I feel someone else behind me.

“Boss?” Felix says in a hoard whisper. “You awake? Law, I thought you’d be out all night!”

“Are you alright?” I ask instinctively. From the sound of things, he’s doing better than me. 

“Yeah, I came to about ten minutes ago. That guy has been falling asleep the whole time.”

“Where’s Max?” I turn my head to see if there are any other captives, but we are alone save for our guard.

Felix shifts in a way that suggests he is shaking his head. “I don’t know, but I think he got out. He was the only one who thought to draw his gun. I saw one guy go down before I lost it.”

I nod, mostly to myself. “Good. What are the odds he gets the others to rescue us instead of stealing the ship?”

“Honestly, ADA might have already printed him a new Captain’s ID card.” Felix laughs softly and I can’t help but snort as well. The guard on the far side of the room sits up and looks around, as if he had actually fallen asleep.

“I’m sorry, Boss,” Felix says then, in a smaller voice.

“For what?”

He lets out a breath. “I could tell it was a trap. I should have figured it out.”

“We all should have. I think we’ve gotten soft on these colonials because they’re poor and stupid. We should have known they’d think of something.” Honestly, I’m a little impressed. It’s the first time I’ve been gassed. 

“But after all this effort to get you to take me along… Maybe Ellie or Parvati would have seen it.”

“Felix, I don’t regret bringing you along,” I say, turning my head to try to get a look at him. I can only just see his shoulder, a little shorter than mine. “I never do.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Really,” I say with some emphasis. The gas is finally starting to clear from my head, but talking to Felix is making me light-headed. “You’re my best gun, beside Nyoka. You’re a valuable part of my crew. I’m the one who should be apologizing-- I led us into an obvious trap. At least Max isn’t stuck here too.”

There’s a pause and I realize that Felix is listening-- _really_ listening to me. Far from making me happy, I am reminded of how little I deserve his trust. He has no idea about the man he calls ‘Boss’. I collect myself and begin to speak again.

“I don’t think I’m the captain you should all be following.”

“What are you talking about?”

“This mission wouldn’t have been necessary without my own fuckup. I dig myself deeper into shit with the Board every day. I am mostly flying blind, if you haven’t noticed yet. I’m not a leader.” I wonder if the gas still has me addled, because I am being more honest than I have been in months. Years. 

“That’s bullshit.”

“No, Felix,” I say with some condescension. “Trust me. I’m not a good person. Someday you’ll find a boss who’s actually worth following.”

“No, that’s _bullshit_,” he says, this time loud enough to rouse the guard again. “You’re as bad as Ellie, you know that? I’m not a fucking kid, alright? I’m not blindly following the first person to give me a job. I’m not that naive.”

I’m a little stunned by the forcefulness of his words. I find myself wanting to apologize, but he goes on.

“I’ve been watching you. _Really_ watching. You think about things a lot-- a lot more than I would. You consider all the options. You think about how your actions are gonna effect people. You want people to be free and you want them to be happy.”

I am at a loss for words. A silence falls in the room and the guard looks ready to fall asleep again, having no interest in our conversation.

“I just--” I pause, wondering what I am really trying to say. “I don’t want to lead you guys astray. I want to be a good captain.”

“You _are_ a good captain. You’re a good boss. I don’t want to be on any other crew.”

“Even if I get you kidnapped by rebels?” I ask, a little cheekily.

“Especially if you get me kidnapped by rebels. It’s exciting, right?”

I grin, even though no one can see it. “Thanks, Felix.”

I feel his head drop back to rest on my back. A thrill runs up my body and I try to remember to breath. “I never wanna leave the Unreliable,” he says in a quiet voice.

“Never?”

“Never. It’s my home. You’re my home.”

I let those words sink in, even though I really shouldn’t. I let the warm, happy feeling expand in my stomach. I drink in the feeling of his wrists pressed close to mine and his head resting on my back. I bask in the fleeting moment of closeness that is so contrary to everything I have been trying to do since developing this stupid crush. 

“Well,” I say, talking through a smile that I am thankful no one can see. “Are you ready to go home?”

“Whenever you are, Boss.”

“I have a knife in my back pocket. No-- the left one.” He roots around in my pocket as I lift myself to let him in. I’d be embarrassed if I wasn’t so moved by our conversation. It takes him a minute, but he manages to cut through our binds. 

By the time the guard notices what we’re up to, we’re leaping from our spot on the ground and bull rushing him. He doesn’t even have his gun in his hands. Felix knocks him out with a kick to the temple. I catch him so that he doesn’t hit the ground with any noise. 

I toss Felix the hand gun and scoop up the rifle for myself. “This might be tricky,” I say, checking the body for anything else useful. “The west gate is closest, but it will be guarded.”

“The ladder behind the church?” Felix supplies.

“Bingo. You ready to shoot some folk?”

Felix grins and I am so glad I can see his face now. All the things he said run through my head and I want to pull him into an embrace. Instead I reach out and we clasp hands.

The guards at the top of the stairs are caught unawares and we drop them easily. But their cries echo through the old factory and the sound is followed up a clamor of footsteps on steel walkways. We move quickly, heading for the side exit of the factory and into the streets. I shoot two armed civilians point blank and there’s suddenly pandemonium in the square. Some people are shooting at us, but most are running away. They are only factory workers, after all. 

We take cover behind a few barrels to reload before returning fire. Felix misses the first few times and I don’t blame him-- my mind is still addled from the gas.

“There,” I say, pointing to the church. The boxes there will shield us as we make for the ladder. “I’ll cover you. Run.”

He doesn’t hesitate. He makes a dash that crosses the 40 meter distance. When he gets behind the big Spacer’s Choice box he stops to fire at our assailants. I heave myself up and make a go for it. I am nicked on my arm, but I barely feel it over the adrenaline. We have to keep moving so we launch ourselves at the ladder.

The roof is empty when we clamber onto it, but we can see armed guards running along the walls towards us. “We have to jump,” I say, already moving towards the wall that connects to the church. It’s a 20 foot drop, but there are a few bushes just below. It’s going to hurt like hell, but better than a bullet in the chest.

I jump.

Felix lands a heartbeat after me, rolls and looks up. Nothing broken. He smiles like a madman and I return the gesture. “Can you run?” I ask, and he nods. 

“You?”

I nod and we both take a few steadying breaths. We holster our weapons and I point towards the hills where the jagged rocks will give us a place to hide. “There. Ready?”

We go, because the rebels are on their way and we have nothing to lose. We’re going to make it-- the guards on the wall don’t jump and those on the gates have a ways to go. We are only 100 feet away… 50 feet… 20 feet…

Felix lets out a cry and I hear him stumble. In the dim of the night I can just see his body on the ground. He curses and rolls onto his back and I lurch back over to him.

No.

No no no no no

He’s bleeding. My hand is wet when I touch his stomach. He lets out a moan that tells me he’s still awake but he isn’t moving on his own.

Another crack of a rifle tells me the sniper is trying to finish the job. They miss, but I don’t want to give them any more chances. I pull Felix up and over my shoulder. He can’t support himself at all so I have to drape him over my back. My muscles strain as I try to stand and close the gap between us and the hills. 

I have to make it. I have to get to the ship. Felix can’t bleed out here. 

I stumble on a rock and come down hard on my knee. Felix groans. 

There’s a roar of an extraplanetary engine and the stars are blotted out by a craft landing between us and Edgewater on the only bit of flat terrain. It makes landfall with a crunch and the engines power down. I’m already running for the gangplank when the door opens and Ellie rushes out to help.

We load Felix into the Unreliable, for better or for worse.


	8. Results Disastrous - Recalibration Recommended

The temporary med table stands in the middle of the loading bay. It’s the room with the best lighting, and for the first two hours Ellie makes use of them to do her work. The rest of us are not allowed within 5 meters, since there’s no door to close us out. From this vantage point we watch, silent, waiting for any indication.

Max is taking Felix’s situation hard. He blames himself for not getting back to the Unreliable fast enough. Apparently he was knocked with a pistol whip to the back of the head and taken to the outskirts of the Botanical Lab to deliver the message of the hostages being kept at Edgewater. He ignored this and headed for the ship instead-- the war between the two sects be damned. 

Parvati and Nyoka talk quietly together just behind me. I can’t make out what they’re saying, but I know Parvati has been crying. She’s a soft one, and I love her for it. Nyoka hasn’t touched a drink yet. I suppose she wants to know what the verdict is before she drowns herself.

SAM is helping Ellie by keeping the surgery table clean. He hands her tools quietly-- either Ellie shut off his speech mechanism or somehow the robot knows how serious this situation is. 

I stand rooted to my spot. I haven’t moved since Ellie physically pushed me away from the medtable. Felix’s blood is drying on my arms and back. My own bullet wound is forgotten.

I told Ellie, _he has to live_. I made it sound like an order, but she looked at me with tired, sad eyes and I knew that no matter how much I demanded it, he would live or die by the will of Law. 

At the 30 minute mark Ellie tells us he needs blood. I volunteer but I am not the right type; somehow ADA has all of our blood types on file. I would be suspicious but I am deeply grateful for the information now. Nyoka is a close enough match and the supplies are gathered to begin the transfusion. 

After the first hour Parvati leaves, her eyes puffy and half-lidded. Max is the next to go, muttering something about a drink. Nyoka stays until Ellie takes the needle out of her arm and tells her to hit her bunk. 

After two hours, Ellie peels off her medical gloves and collapses on a chair. I take the signal to move into the room. She doesn’t stop me.

“The bullet is out,” she says shortly. “The wound is clean. I’ve pumped him with painkillers and antibiotics and Nyoka’s given her all.”

“You’ve done great, Ellie,” I say in a low voice. 

She nods. I don’t think she needs the reassurance. “SAM will clean him up. We can’t move him tonight so he’ll have to stay here.”

I stay, too, because I can’t leave until I know he’s OK. We bring him a pillow, and he whimpers pitifully when we gently lift his head. I held tuck him under a thick blanket. It can’t be any less comfortable than the bunks, but I wish I could do more.

I spend the night sitting beside him, hawk-like, ready to act on any change in his status, but he does not wake. He breath catches every so often, as if he is feeling pain in his sleep. The only other sound is the hum of the engine as we orbit the planet.

I wake up slumped in the chair, my neck impossibly sore and a fire on my arm. I look over to the pain, only now remembering my own wound. When I look back to Felix, his eyes are open. His face is pale but he’s focused on me. A small smile plays on his lips. “Hey, Boss,” he breathes.

I feel a rush of relief that makes me press my eyes open. “Oh Law,” I breathe, dropping my head on the blanket. His arm stirs underneath. “Never again, Felix,” I warn him, looking up again. “I swear.”

“Sorry, Boss,” he says, his voice still faint. “I just wanted to be dramatic is all.”

“You jackass,” I say, but I’m also smiling now. “If you ever die I will fire you on the spot, you hear me?”

He breathes out of his nose to show that he would laugh if he had the energy. His movements are slow and when he closes his eyes they don’t open right away. When they do he settles on my arm. “You’re bleedin’...” He reaches out a hand, slowly, carefully, to indicate the spot I have yet to tend to.

I shake my head, and instead take his hand between two of my own. “Everything’s fine,” I say. “I’m OK if you are.”

He squeezes my hand before settling back and closing his eyes with a small smile. “I’m great,” he says, hardly more than a whisper. “Thanks, Jarron.” 

I bring his hand to my face, holding it at the spot between my eyes while I let the overwhelming moment pass. I have never felt more relieved in my life. I’m happy, too. From this moment on it doesn’t matter what problems I have or what other trivial feelings keep me up at night-- so long as Felix is alive and happy, nothing else matters.

Ellie allows us to move Felix into his bunk for recovery. The wound is to the left of his stomach and didn’t seem to damage anything permanent. By the first day he is bragging about how indestructible he is. Then he develops a fever that afternoon and Ellie has to flush him with another level of antibiotics that would knock out a cow. 

The disaster passed, I now have to deal with the other problems at hand: Edgewater is still threatening an attack on the Botanical Labs. I have to meet with Adelaide to discuss the next steps, which seem to be arming up and waiting for the inevitable attack. By the time I am through Ellie confronts me and chastises me for now having told her about my arm sooner.

I don’t see Felix again until he calls for me the next morning. ADA patches him straight to my room, where I was trying to get myself dressed with one arm. 

Hey, Boss. His voice is faint over comms. Ellie told me I am not allowed to get out of bed.

“Then you shouldn’t,” I tell him, finally managing to feed my bad arm through a sleeve.

I just want to go to the kitchen! Just a quick walk about and then I’ll come straight back.

“Felix, you need to listen to your doctor,” I say, knowing full well how much I sound like a mother. “I know you’re bored.” I hesitate, a bad idea formulating in my mind. “Do you need company?”

Law, yes! Bring cards, will you?

He hangs up, and I wonder if that was what he wanted all along. It makes me smile. I don’t have to go planetside for another hour-- what better way to pass the time than with Felix? For entirely innocent reasons, of course.

Despite looking pale and breathing poorly, Felix is back to his old self. He talks too much and I wonder if there’s a force in the system that could stop the kid from carrying on. We play cards and I lose several hands to him, and not because I’m going easy on him. 

Over the next few days we make a habit of playing cards for an hour in the morning. Felix calls me just after I wake up, each day with some new request-- more purpleberry juice, a book-- anything to keep him from the inevitable boredom. Each day he seems a little more energetic, though once in a while he seems to relapse and Ellie has to come and check on him. I’m a little worried, but I let her work her magic. I have to trust that he’s going to be OK.

When he doesn’t call me on the fourth day, I’m not so sure. I wait in my room for half an hour before I decide that something is wrong. 

“ADA, has Felix requested a comms patch this morning?” 

No, Captain. Felix has not made any outbound communications from his room in the past 24 hours.

I get up immediately and head to the crew quarters. Half the crew are still in their own rooms, and Felix’s door is closed. I pause, collecting myself. No need to barge in if he’s still asleep as well. However, if there’s a problem I will need to get to him. I take a steadying breath.

“Felix?” I say softly. At first I don’t hear any reply and my panic starts to rise. Should I shout? Should I go inside?

Then I hear something faintly-- it sound like breaths, coming irregular and deep. I listen with mounting panic. Then I hear a groan and a whimper and the word “... Boss…”

I slam my hand on the touchpad and the door slides open. I take a step towards Felix, expecting him to be writhing in pain but discover, too late, that the situation is completely different.

The opposite, in fact.

Shit.

Felix scrambles to cover himself and I take a shaky step backwards. “S-sorry,” I stammer. “You called out to me-- I thought…” I put up a hand and turn away. “Sorry, I’m leaving.”

I turn tail and retreat. I would run if it wasn’t so obvious. I don’t stop until I’m back in my room, on my bunk, head between my knees and I heave great, deep breaths. 

I guess I’m not the only one on the ship with a fierce need to masterbate.

My problem is SIGNIFICANTLY WORSE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cackle


	9. Emergency Override

I am stuck on the front lines outside of the Botanical Labs that afternoon, my head spinning. I am shoulder to shoulder with my people and Adelaide’s folk. Their faces are filled with determination and hope. Everyone is torn between nervous and excited-- Captain Hawthorn is fighting for their cause! This will finally teach those cannery idiots a lesson!

My mind is a million miles away. I am thinking about the only crew member who isn’t here for this battle. Ellie figures he needs one more day of bedrest, and then he’s good to go. 

Well, at least he has the energy for _some_ activities. 

I feel as bashful as a school boy when I recall that scene. It was embarrassing, yes, but also deeply, deeply exciting.

At first I tell myself I had heard him wrong through the door. Maybe he said some other word in that breathy voice-- ‘Joss’, ‘loss’, ‘floss’...? And then there’s the possibility that he was referring to some _other_ boss. I wouldn’t not have considered Clive jerk-off material, but to each their own.

But this is me deflecting. This is my self-depreciating side that couldn’t imagine anyone attracted to me. This is me reminding myself that there is no way Felix could be attracted to me. There’s no way, right?

My first thought is to confront Felix directly. It should be easy enough to get an answer out of him; he’s not exactly good at keeping secrets. Then one thing would lead to another and I’d eventually have him pinned to the bunk---

I stop myself and remember that I am about to enter a battlefield. 

All I can think of is how to get it over with as quickly as possible. With this mindset I end up being the first person to open fire, catching the very first rebel between the eyes. After that, it is a blood bath. The cannery workers probably didn’t expect much of a fight.

Max specifically singles out the man who sat in the room and gassed us. He takes out a hammer that I haven’t seen before and caves in his skull. I hope it helps him come to terms with his guilt.

With my crew leading the charge, we make short work of the attackers. There are fewer than we anticipated-- not to toot my own horn but the way Felix and I mowed through several of their guards might have spooked the others. Hard to sell a rebellion to the masses if two guys are able to kill that many people.

A few prisoners are taken by Adelaide but we don’t linger long to help. I do promise to help them if they are in need, so I tell them how they can contact the ship before taking our leave. All in all, it’s a job well done and I am feeling higher than I have in a long time. I almost have a spring in my step as we head back for the ship, back to Felix.

“You missed a hell of a battle, kid!” Nyoka says in a sing-song voice as she passes his room before me. She pauses before the open door and I watch from the top of the stairs. “Wait, where the hell is Felix?”

I cross the distance in a few strides. The bunk is empty. “Ellie, did you clear him?”

Ellie shrugs. “I told him another day would do him good, but maybe he felt better. Kids heal fast, you know?”

No one else seems worried, but when is Felix _not_ in trouble?

“ADA, do you know where Felix went?”

_I have not been authorized to investigate crew members, Captain. Would you like me to start?_

I curse. I get the feeling ADA is angry about something, but I let it slide.

“Problem, Captain?” asks Nyoka with her big gun still slung over one shoulder.

“I don’t know,” I admit. “It may be nothing.”

It isn’t nothing. Nothing doesn’t keep a crew member from coming back to the ship for two days. It’s definitely something, and I imagine that something has to do with Felix’s boss catching him jerking off in his bunk. I’m an idiot, of _course_ he’s embarrassed. 

But is he too embarrassed to every face me again?

On the third day, we decide to send out a search party. The others are starting to wonder, too, but their speculation is far off the mark and I am not about to fill them in. Nyoka is suspicious of me, but I keep my lips sealed.

On the fourth day, I am a wreck. I don’t care about the masturbation anymore-- who _cares_ about my stupid infatuation or whether or not he’s hot for me. I just want him to come home. I’ll be happy to live out the rest of my life without every touching him if--

“Hey, Boss.”

Felix has entered the ship, a rucksack over one shoulder and a sorry look on his face. He looks like a lost puppy who has finally found his home, but he thinks he’s been a bad boy so he’s waiting for you to say he’s allowed to come in. 

I pull him into a rough embrace, formalities be damned. I’m tired of this kid breaking my heart every other day. I miss the peaceful life. “Damnit, Felix,” I say, not for the first time. “I _told_ you--”

“Never again,” he finishes for me. 

I release the hug but hold onto his shoulders hard, as if I’m afraid he’ll take off again. “I ought to fire you.”

“Please don’t.” His eyes are pleading, but he must know I’m not serious. I pull him into another hug and this time he hugs me back and we have what might be the only intimate moment of our entire relationship. But it’s fine because I am steeling myself for this. One hug is enough, right?

“I’m sorry,” he starts, and there’s a catch in his voice. “I just--”

“You don’t have to explain,” I say when I actually release him this time. “It’s in the past. Go eat and sleep, because you look terrible.” It’s a lie. He looks adorable. 

He nods obediently, and we part.

I miss him already and my problem sits comfortably in my chest.


	10. Solution F

Felix never knocks on my door. That’s how I know it’s him when my door opens that evening. He steps inside with obvious hesitation, his hands in his pockets and an awkward smile on his lips. “Heeeyyy, Boss,” he says meekly. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Anytime, Felix,” I say, trying to channel my inner calm. It isn’t working.

“Ah, this is--” He pauses. “Um, can you tell ADA to shut off?”

I am losing my cool as we speak. My cool is going straight out of the airlock. “ADA, turn off surveillance in my room, please.”

_That is not recommended, Captain. Probability of a crew member attempting to murder you is high._

“Just turn off, ADA. Felix isn’t trying to kill me.”

_Don’t say I didn’t warn you._

She switches off, no doubt with reluctance. I wonder how much of our drama she has been listening in on.

“Right, um--” Felix says, fishing in another pocket and pulling out a piece of paper.

He’s written a speech. Law help me. “Go ahead.”

He clears his throat.

“Captain. Boss. Thank you for taking care of me when I was hurt. You’re the best,” he reads. He pauses to swallow before going on. “I would like to apologize for the thing you saw the other day in my bunk. It was an inappropriate action to take. I know it is unprofessional to lust after your superior and I will take steps to never give in to those urges. Again, I’m sorry for that. All the best.”

He folds up the paper and shifts his weight from one foot to the other. He doesn’t quite look up at me, no doubt expecting to be reprimanded harshly.

I have to say, first and foremost, how impressed with how honest he’s being. I would never have the balls to admit what he just did. How is it he’s being the more mature one in this situation?

Second, holy _fuck_.

“Felix,” I say, letting out a breath. “You’re right.”

“Huh?” He looks up sharply, a worried look on his brow.

“It is inappropriate. And unprofessional.”

He hangs his head again. “I know. I’m sorry-- I told myself so many times.”

“I’m almost 10 years older than you.”

He nods. “I know.”

“If I were to oblige you, it could get real messy.”

“I know and… wait, what?” He looks up sharply again. 

I stand up from my chair and I’m impressed he doesn’t take a step back, for how frightened he looks. “I’m saying, if we go ahead with this, it’s entirely wrong.” I take a step forward, keeping my eyes on his. He looks like a sprat caught in a canid’s gaze. I love how he looks caught off guard. I love that he’s a little shorter than me. I love the way his lips are parted just slightly. 

“B-boss,” he tries to say, but I’m closing the gap now and I’m less than an arm’s length away. He takes a breath and finally looks away. “You don’t have to--- I don’t need to have…”

“I need it, Felix,” I finally admit in one breath. He looks up again and I’m close enough now to lean in to him and press my lips against his. He doesn’t fight but when we part he pushes himself back a ways.

“I don’t understand,” he says after a gasp. “I came here to _apologize_.”

“I guess I should, too,” I say with a laugh. “I’ve been wanting you something fierce. For a while now.”

“Really?”

“Damnit, kid,” I say with a half grin. “Do you never believe me? I want you on my crew. I want you on my missions. I want you _in my bed_.”

I’ve never seen someone turn red so quickly. He covers his face with his hands but I can see his neck and ears are the same colour. It occurs to me I might be moving too fast. I am thinking with my dick and I need to take stock.

“Sorry, if this isn’t what you wanted…”

He interrupts me with a hand on the back of my neck and a mouth pressed against mine. He’s forceful and I almost lose balance. I have to steady myself on the desk with one hand as he assaults me with a kiss that becomes sloppy very quickly.

All reason goes out the window. My mind is filled with only one thing and it’s driving me forward at the speed of light. It’s driving _us_ forward: tongues mingling and hands wandering and bodies rubbing together. I’m out of breath but I can’t stop now. I flips us around to pin Felix to the table and he groans something affirmative so I know I don’t have to stop. Shirts are being undone and hands are slipping under waistbands. 

OK, maybe I _do_ need to slow down.

I pull away to look at him, my forehead resting against his and both of our chests heaving. “Time out,” I call. “We need to talk about this.”

“I thought you said I talk too much,” he says teasingly. “If you want me to talk, I’ll talk. What do you want me to say? That I’m crazy about you? That I think about you so often that I’m not even sure if this is real or another one of my fantasies?”

I laugh breathily. “That makes two of us.”

“Then _fuck it_, Boss. Sorry-- Jorran.”

I let my head fall on his shoulder and groan. The way he says my name is going straight from my heart to my nether region. 

“Who cares about the details? Like you said, this is entirely wrong.”

That’s all he needs to say to harden my resolve. My animal brain takes over and the only bit of reason I manage to cling to is to avoid anything that will make him unable to walk in the morning. After all, I need my crew in working order.

Later we lay together in the tiny bunk, wrapped in each other’s arms and drifting off to a peaceful sleep. 

"You'll stay?" I ask him, not sure if he's awake.

"Forever," he says, half muffled by the pillow.

My problem is definitely not solved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the fade to black.
> 
> I might post a smutty epilogue later.
> 
> ;)


End file.
